Psyching with Psychs

TOPIC: Missed Expectations  

Focus point: Life expectations  

Where we went wrong: Idealized expectations/rose-colored glasses  

The idea of expectations seems pretty simple. We want to look forward to life and experiences together. What’s the harm in having expectations related to what this might look like? One common theme throughout our time together…expectations can really F with our heads.  

Considering this is the beginning of our blog, it’s worth rewinding a bit back in time. Part of our journey together has been “blending” our families. “Blending” is the word that is used for 2 parents with each of their respective kids coming together to essentially form a family-like arrangement. In talking through this, blending doesn’t seem like the most accurate descriptor; it sounds sort of smooth and seamless, when in reality, our experience has been far from either. Initially, being in a new relationship, we both remember feeling rejuvenated with new hope for the future and renewed energy for what’s to come. Our mutually worn rose-colored glasses were in part a function of both of us feeling something with each other that was different than anything else. We felt a powerful, intoxicating connection with each other that would push us through anything. This love will conquer all! Even as we write this, we can acknowledge how utterly ridiculous this sounds, particularly given the complexities of our respective lives and all, but maybe it’s the rose-colored glasses we can blame?  

Here’s what the glasses did to us. After enduring the emotional toll of divorce, part of the pain often relates to mourning a life you expected to be living. Our rose-colored glasses seemed to be quickly re-creating those same expectations in our heads…maybe you didn’t lose that life after all. The reality – we ended up needing to face – it would be these pre-defined expectations that would get in the way of living our lives in a way that fit for all of us embarking on a new journey. We eventually ended up in a real, heart-breaking discussion about the reality of our experiences…one that is ongoing. The hardest part was admitting “I don’t love your kids like you do, and you don’t love mine like me.” It hurt so much, maybe because we were both pretending that this wasn’t the case…I think we were both wanting this, but it just wasn’t true. It just wasn’t our reality. We also shared how it feels to be on the “inside” and “outside,” at times. In the book, Stepcoupling, Wisdom and Green termed this experience as “insiders and outsiders,” which is where I’m sure we stole this language. We started using these terms more with each other, in an attempt to be vulnerable and avoid lashing out at the other, but it was hard. It still is.  

Today, our missed expectations often relate more to adjusting to the continued shifts in parenting demands, as the kids get older. We are aware we need to prioritize our relationship, but we both have three kids that require so much of our time and energy. We also work full times jobs that require quite a bit of support towards others. And as our kids get older and their needs change, we are required to shift as parents. On the other hand, the stepparent role (and non-role) continues to shift, as well, which can lead to confusion and disappointment that needs to be sorted through together. How do we process all this together and ensure we are functioning at our best? How do we take care of our kids, our relationship, our work, and ourselves in healthy, compassionate, and loving way? The truth – we are not necessarily “winning” in all realms.  

We can ensure you we will not allow these blog posts to spiral into disappointment and negativity, we will always shift to who we actually want to be, and what helps us to get there. Here’s what the rose-colored glasses were helpful for though – they helped us to see what we appreciate. At the time, we truly appreciated finding each other and how it felt to be together. The gratitude we had actually grounded us and focused us on how thankful we were. Now that we have lived everyday together for many years, it seems we have fallen away from this thinking.